Hi, Lyssa here. Today I wanted to talk with you about this idea, and the truth behind, finding “The One.” I guess human beings have always had a desire for deep connection.
We are a Social Species
We are a very social species. We like having friends. We like having family units. We like having people who we trust and who we can count on, to be close around us. And through this longing for connection; I think we also have a longing to be special. And this takes us into this idea of finding “The One.” “The One” I’ll live my life with; “The One” who will be there for me; “The One” I’ll have children with; “The One” I’ll create a family with; Who will be my best friend; My soul mate. I’m looking so hard for my soulmate…
I want to talk a little bit about the idea of this one singular human being who lives out there that you must find in order to find happiness and joy.
I struggle a little bit with the idea of a soulmate. Not because I have a problem with the idea of souls, or that I think there may be people we’re more aligned with and less aligned with. I do think there are people out there who resonate with us at a very deep level. But one of the problems with this idea of a soulmate is that often relationships, and the depth of intimacy, is created not by the chemistry of two characters involved in the relationship, but rather by the intimacy that’s created through trust and safety between them.
Also, when I’m looking back through my own life, when I look at the person who I thought might be “The One” when I was 18 years old, he was “The One” for me when I was 18 years old. I had a tremendous amount to learn about myself, about building my own self confidence. He, literally, was somebody who was willing to ride in and save me. And a part of me didn’t really want to be saved and that relationship didn’t last.
So then fast forward about two, three years and I’m in a relationship with the next person. I think they’re “The One,” not only do I think they’re “The One,” everything about me is very tightly packaged and wrapped up with the idea that this is my soulmate. We’re friends, we laugh together, we share a lot of values and we had many common goals. And still, he wasn’t as interested in a long-term relationship is I was. So, he was “The One” to teach me something else, right?
In this experience and that relationship, I learned that I was willing to give myself over to another human being. I would turn myself around and do pirouettes, turning myself into a pretzel in order to get someone to like me. And, he was “The One” who got me thinking about that, and if it was a good idea for me.
All this was really coming from this deep well of not feeling worthy enough or capable enough. Or, I don’t know, “enough enough”. When I was 22, and in that relationship, he was the one, he was the right one. He was the painful one… He was a very painful one. Yet I learned so much as I moved forward.
I met the next “One” when I was about 25 going on 26 years old. I met someone who I was like, maybe this is “The One”, again, maybe this is “The One”, and he was “The One”, he was the one who actually supported me to make this transition from, “Do you like me?” to “Do I like you?” That there was a crucial developmental stage in finding a healthy relationship. As I got older, fast forward, I go to graduate school, and I’m not looking for anyone. Then when I graduated from graduate school I start dating lots of different people.
The most exhausting part of dating was, not the actual going out to coffee with all these different people and getting a chance to have a conversation with people; It was my own idea of will this be “The One”, will this one be “The One”? Until finally I was just so fed up with “The One”, I was like, each of you is your own one in particular. What do I need to learn from you next?
Then after a lot of dating, I met Michael and he was literally the one who wanted to be there, who I also really liked. We shared values and goals and a willingness to get messy, and navigate the plot twists that have come up with through our life together. So, is he my soul mate? I don’t know. What I know is he’s my best friend and he sees me for who I am. Which really takes me to the next part of finding the one.
Questions to Ask Yourself
- What if you’re the one you’re actually seeking and what have you are the one you’re looking for?
- What if you could provide for your own self internally the confidence and structure and capability and awareness that you had value?
- What if you felt like you were living in alignment and in concordance with your values and guiding principles?
- What if you were showing up, in how you behaved with other people? So that when you lay your head upon your pillow each night you could lay it down knowing: I did my best for myself today and I also did my best to live by my values today?
- Did I treat people well? That’s a personal value of mine.
What if You’re “The One”?
It’s interesting, these ideas of how you look at yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror? Do you look at yourself and primp and prep and go, “Okay, I look fantastic”? Or, do you look and kind of slide by yourself as you’re passing on to the next thing? Okay, brush my teeth, wash my hands. I’m Outta here.
Or do you genuinely look at yourself in the mirror and smile and go, “Hey, Hi, I Like you, yeah. Nice to see you this morning,” and then move on with your day? I mean, it’s a really funny little thing, but I found over the last, I don’t know, 20 years, I have a growing appreciation for just saying “Hi” to myself in the mirror. Like, “Hey, you’re someone I like.” And I think that’s really important.
When I go to bed at night, after brushing my teeth, I want to look at myself and I want to be like, “Hey you, you’re somebody I am happy to go to bed with every night and I’m happy to wake up with every morning.” And I really think that this is an important shift. Moving from looking for someone to see me, or save me, or help me be a better human being, by doing that work myself.
I was actually ready when Michael showed up. He’d been doing his own work. I’d been doing my work. We showed up at the same place, at the same time, having a cup of coffee and started having the conversations. And as for getting into the relationship, we weren’t looking for someone to fix us and we weren’t looking for somebody to save us.
Becoming “The One”
And, so really, if we become “The One,” that we’re in love with and that we’re looking for, we’ve become our own soulmate. That I can totally buy into. If we become our own soulmate, we have an opportunity then to show up really fully ourselves when we meet people. And the coolest piece about that is, that not only are you working to develop your own self as a human being and becoming the sort of person that you love, respect, have self-esteem for, confidence in, and as a person of integrity who you’d be willing to sleep with every night. You also stand your best chance of finding the one who will see you for who you are.
I hope this was useful and go out and be “The One” you’re looking for! Cheers!
I would LOVE to hear from YOU!
- What changes when you become the One for yourself?
- Who might that person attract?